Fitspo Failure

Things I have discovered about myself in the last week: 

1. I have more female crushes than I do male crushes.
Bread (even if it is gluten/dairy free) is really, really, REALLY good... and hard to live without.
Setting your iPhone lock-screen as a picture of a half-naked hot model is not inspiring in the slightest.


But hold up, let's start from the beginning. I am a health nut and workout freak with the appetite of Keith Martin and the sweet tooth of the queen of Candyland. Let me explain: I was fathered by the King of Sweets (AKA good ol' Roberto "Big D" Mintz) who ruled a kingdom by the single rule that dessert came waaay before and sometimes even replaced dinner, especially on important holidays at other people's households. Everyone continually tells me that I am the female (and much more attractive) version of him, and this can be further proved by revisiting my middle school antics; way back in seventh grade, my babysitter at the time gave me a box of Girl Scout cookies as part of my Bat Mitzvah present... and I consumed the ENTIRE box in under an hour. I'm not even kidding. Samoas are just that good, okay? Thankfully I am also blessed/cursed with my father's speedy metabolism, so if I put forth the effort to hit the gym at least three times a week, I can eat technically whatever I want. Add the puzzle pieces of restricting my diet of gluten and dairy foods to prevent extreme stomach issues (thank you once again, Dad) and my natural athletic body type of muscular thighs, tiny waist, small boobs (...hah hah hah...), and broad shoulders and you've got a seemingly attractive girl who eats a thousand times more than any boy she's ever gone on a date with. Yeah, one might think scarfing down an Udi's hamburger with a gluten-free bun in under five minutes is attractive (I mean, you'd be crazy not to...right?!) but two boyfriends and my mom have informed me that it is disgusting and very heinous. SUCKS FOR YOU, MUTHAFUCKAS!!! 

Nevertheless I am the most stressed-out girl on the face of Plant Earth and work at an amazing candy store, so exercising is a must. Since forgoing my love of sports sophomore year (I played soccer since age four and field hockey since seventh grade), the gym and the park have become my second homes. Squats, lifting weights, StairMaster, HIIT, gluteus-maximous workouts... You could call me a pro.

I even started running. I hate running. 

Am I boring you with my convoluted humblebragging-slash-complaining yet? Let me cut to the chase. Whilst scrolling my favorite fitspo (AKA fitness inspiration) blog, I came up with the miraculous idea of setting an image of one of my favorite models as my iPhone lock-screen background for one week to see what would happen. Would I find myself denying myself the usual (copious) helpings of Mike & Ike's and dark chocolate-covered strawberries at work for raspberries and carrots as an after-school snack instead? Would I push myself to be better/faster/harder/stronger at the gym á la Kanye? These questions resounded in my delicate skull as I pushed through the busy school grind. But at the end of the week I came to a not-so-fantastic conclusion. This all sounded like a great idea, right? Motivating myself by staring at the impossible physique of no one other than Emily Ratajkowski every time I click my home button... Surefire way to keep the weight off and the muscle definition up, am I right? WRONG.

Surprisingly enough this week I found myself eating unhealthier than I have in months and only working out twice as compared to my daily workout routine. I know what you're thinking because I am thinking it too - WHAT THE HECK?! Every time I saw the sexy shot of Emily light up on my fingerprint-smudged phone screen, I reached for food. It was like my sub-conscience was subliminally telling me that I would never attain the rockin' bod of the 5'7" model. Thinking it was just stress eating away at me, I promised myself I wouldn't eat any refined carbs - no bread, no rice, no grains, no oats, no nothing. Doing this made everything ten times harder; I rarely consume gluten/dairy substitutes because these replacement foods are incredibly unhealthy, but I missed the sweet crunch of toasted Udi's bread underneath my avocados and eggs, the slippery rice noodles as I slurped my lemongrass soup at Swing Thai, and even the decadent dessert-breads at Stella's Coffee Haus (all of which are gluten and dairy free, mind you). By giving up these refined carbs and having the snapshot of Emily as my lock-screen, I gained five pounds in one week by binge eating Boulder chips and mourning my lost motivation to eat leafy greens and juicy fruits. 

But you know what? The week is over, and I have come to terms with this fact. Ms. Rata is a beautiful model/music-video star yet her insanely disproportional body is a little too much to ask for at age sixteen. I mean, hello? Have you ever tried Swedish marshmallows?! Way too good to pass up. And bread, glorious gluten/dairy free bread, even if it is just a lacking substitute for the fluffy real deal? Just can't live without. 

I ultimately declare this a Fitspo Failure and am excited to start again with intensive gym workouts and below-freezing Wash Park runs, avocado and salami on Udi's toast, and last but not least, tons and tons of Mike & Ike's. New lock-screen, here I come.